The Joke Thread

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Narsia Ny'Dhun
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The Joke Thread

Post by Narsia Ny'Dhun » Fri Jun 22, 2007 3:13 am

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a

restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Grilled Lawyer: $20.00
+ Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician?'

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of crap, it takes all day to clean one."
Harl l'drathir udos alure, Eilistraee lu'Anixiel ulu kyorl udossa zuch

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Rooky
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Post by Rooky » Sat Jun 23, 2007 1:41 pm

[quote:37mqdklc]How to Not Destroy Your 1 Shot at Having Sex

by me, HogWild

hogwild

When girls sleep with somebody they always say stuff like: We were out partying, having a few drinks when "the next thing your know..."

To girls, it's "the next thing you know…" But to us guys, there's a lot of work that we put into "the next thing you know"!!!

We gotta make you laugh, we gotta listen to your stories, we gotta stay awake… and the hardest thing for us guys to do is to not say something stupid.

Because as guys, we are always one stupid sentence away from ruining everything.

That’s why when I’m on a date, I keep my mouth shut!

This girl was like "You're really quiet. Are you shy?"
ME: No, no, no… I’m just keeping my mouth shut, you know, so I can I sleep with you...... Damn it! You tricked me!

On the date, this girl was like, "It would be romantic if you feed me." Um, okay. So I put a little piece of food on my fork and I was like, "OPEN WIDE!" Then I proceeded to wave it around making airplane noises.

She thought it was kinda funny.

The first time I did it.

Because the second time I did it... I was not holding a fork.

I was holding my wiener.

"OPEN WIDE!" HA HA HA!

When it comes to sex, I've discovered that girls can be completely different people in bed. For the first 3 dates, this girl I was seeing was quiet and shy. Then we get back to her apartment, ya know... And she rips off her clothes, claws shoot of her fingers, her eyes start glowing, she jumps on top of me and bats me around the room like I’m a ball of yarn.

It turns out she likes it really rough. Well, I guess I wasn't giving her what she wanted because she slapped me across the face!

So I pushed her down on the bed!

She was like, "Yes! Hurt me!"

So...... I told she was fat.[/quote:37mqdklc]
:3

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Argoth
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Post by Argoth » Mon Jun 25, 2007 5:59 pm

O gods. I don't know if I should cry or laugh. Check this out:
This guy made up a theory that guys should inject heroin into their balls instead of elsewhere. So when you're having sex, she becomes addicted to having sex with you...

Another funny story is:
There's a party somewhere outdoors. Everyone is wasted. One of the guy's parents calls him and notices he's drunk, so they call the police. The kid screams "The cops are commin'!" And the guy tellin' the story later says: Dude. I've never crawled so fast..."

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Post by Unen_Stealthfoot » Mon Jun 25, 2007 6:52 pm

[color=darkred:3nux4lr0]Definitely cry.[/color:3nux4lr0]
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Post by Narsia Ny'Dhun » Tue Jun 26, 2007 5:02 am

[quote="Argoth":3by4g0xy]


There's a party somewhere outdoors. Everyone is wasted. One of the guy's parents calls him and notices he's drunk, so they call the police. The kid screams "The cops are commin'!" And the guy tellin' the story later says: Dude. I've never crawled so fast..."[/quote:3by4g0xy]

I dun get it
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Argoth
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Post by Argoth » Tue Jun 26, 2007 5:07 am

They were all too drunk to do anything else.

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Shir'le E. Illios
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Post by Shir'le E. Illios » Tue Jun 26, 2007 10:18 am

I'll echo Unaena's sentiments. Definately cry. :p

never found stories of drug-abuse and alcohol that entertaining.


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Post by Narsia Ny'Dhun » Tue Jun 26, 2007 7:33 pm

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. (I've read this probably 5 times and it never fails to reduce me to tears of laughter). Hope it does the same for you!!!

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have Chili Cook Offs about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot like at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
*****************************************************


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
*****************************************************


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************


CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
*****************************************************


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
*****************************************************


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
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Argoth
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Post by Argoth » Wed Jun 27, 2007 7:47 am

<speechless, wipes trears of laughter from everywhere round.>

Suddenly I wanted to make some chili...

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Shir'le E. Illios
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Post by Shir'le E. Illios » Wed Jun 27, 2007 9:44 am

:lol:

That was marvelous... poor Frank. ;)

Then again, he was probably just complaining so they'd give him more beer. :p


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Shir'le
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Post by Merinid Tlin'orzza » Sat Jun 30, 2007 9:22 am

A visiting four ship formation of American F-15's were visiting RAF Benson...

ATC to Lead F-15: *Callsign* Turn deadside.
Lead F-15: Uh... what's deadside?
Anonymous RAF Pilot: Break Left NOW!!!

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Post by Unen_Stealthfoot » Sun Jul 01, 2007 12:57 am

[color=darkred:33efjmkk]OMFG! That guy can't hold his chili... Tch, tch.[/color:33efjmkk]
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Rooky
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Post by Rooky » Mon Jul 02, 2007 1:57 pm

Oh, man that chilli shit killed me...Narsia if I could kill you I would...my dear asthmatic friend read this...she's quite laughter prone... why couldn't you find somethig funnier...she's still alive...
:3

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Narsia Ny'Dhun
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Post by Narsia Ny'Dhun » Mon Jul 02, 2007 2:06 pm

I'll see what I can do next time.
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Thalon Mercrow
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Post by Thalon Mercrow » Sun Feb 10, 2008 11:39 pm

first a drow one: Q:how maney drow do's it take to screw in a lightbulb A:none, they kill in the dark

the next one is from one of my waked out adventering compains hes a gnome bard (he acts old and senil as an excuse to get out of trouble LOL) degerico: hey guys whats a gouls favavret food..... gouhlosh (it was the way he said it that made me crack up)

last one Q:how maney mind flayers do's it take to screw in a lightbulb A:none, they have there slaves do it for them.

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