The Joke Thread

[Talwyn Aureliano]

A hunter goes into the woods hunting for a bear. When he is deep in the woods he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns to see an enormous grizzly towering above him. Before he can fire, the beast rips the rifle out of his hands and proceeds to sodomize him.
Mortified, the hunter retreats to his cabin, arms himself with a double-barrelled shotgun, and races back into the woods to find and kill his furry assailant. But once again, the bear sneaks up behind the hunter, pulls the weapon from his hands and has his lusty way with him.
Undeterred, the hunter equips himself with a machine gun and treks back into the woods where he is again ambushed, disarmed and defiled by the bear.
Now, apoplectic with moral outrage, the hunter flies to a third world country where he buys a heat-seeking, shoulder-launched, nuclear-tipped rocket from an international arms dealer. Convinced he finally has the upper hand, he returns to the woods, tracks the bear to his lair and patiently waits to vaporize him.
And yes, again, the bear surprises, disarms and sexually assaults him. But this time, before the hunter can run off to acquire more lethal armaments, the bear enfolds him in his massive arms and says,
"You don't really come out here to hunt, do ya?"

[Shir'le E. Illios]

Heehee. Thanks Alaric and Talwyn.


Love -x-x-x-

Shir'le

[Argoth]

I liked the 4th and 5th affairs best.

A bear was sitting in the woods. Lazily he rose from his spot, yawned loudly and decided to go to his lair. Suddenly he noticed a wolf running, followed by a chiuaua. The bear, stunned, kept staring at the addity untill the both of them vanished in the bushes. The bear went on his way, but then again the two animals crossed his path, the wolf fleeing wildly. The bear roared behind him:
-Hey Wolf! WTF? You're so big. Why are you running from that mut? His so tiny! You can, like, eat him!
-Maybe he's tiny, but what cold nose he has!

[Alaric Darkrose]

[quote="Talwyn Aureliano":1dt9gbu3]A hunter goes into the woods hunting for a bear. When he is deep in the woods he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns to see an enormous grizzly towering above him. Before he can fire, the beast rips the rifle out of his hands and proceeds to sodomize him.
Mortified, the hunter retreats to his cabin, arms himself with a double-barrelled shotgun, and races back into the woods to find and kill his furry assailant. But once again, the bear sneaks up behind the hunter, pulls the weapon from his hands and has his lusty way with him.
Undeterred, the hunter equips himself with a machine gun and treks back into the woods where he is again ambushed, disarmed and defiled by the bear.
Now, apoplectic with moral outrage, the hunter flies to a third world country where he buys a heat-seeking, shoulder-launched, nuclear-tipped rocket from an international arms dealer. Convinced he finally has the upper hand, he returns to the woods, tracks the bear to his lair and patiently waits to vaporize him.
And yes, again, the bear surprises, disarms and sexually assaults him. But this time, before the hunter can run off to acquire more lethal armaments, the bear enfolds him in his massive arms and says,
"You don't really come out here to hunt, do ya?"[/quote:1dt9gbu3]That's wrong on so many levels.

[Talwyn Aureliano]

[img:274alpva]http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u296 ... nation.gif[/img:274alpva]

[Talwyn Aureliano]

[img:3gouxyxo]http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l16/m ... ers-07.jpg[/img:3gouxyxo]

[Alaric Darkrose]

Since we're bringing out messed up motivational posters....

[img:217eqaun]http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b296/ ... whores.jpg[/img:217eqaun]

[Thalon Mercrow]

heh read the sigeter next to my name. good job by the way guys

[Alaric Darkrose]

[quote="Talwyn Aureliano":1yp562tp][img:1yp562tp]http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l16/m ... ers-07.jpg[/img:1yp562tp][/quote:1yp562tp]Oh NOES! 'Tis the photo bucket pic of death!

[Arya Baenre]

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we''re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

[Rhei Lor'akris]

An American, a Frenchman and a Russian are alone on an uninhabited island. They catch fish for food and suddenly catch a Golden Fish, who promises to fulfill one wish for each for his own freedom:
The American: "A million dollars and to go back home!"
The Frenchman: "Three beautiful women and to go back home!"
The Russian: "Tsk, and just when we were getting on like a house on fire... Three crates of vodka and the two fellas back!"

[Arya Baenre]

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

[Rhei Lor'akris]

Good one there!

Although because I have quite a high metabolism, I don't have to worry too much about weight gain over the holidays, so the fruitcake will go into ma stomach!

[Arya Baenre]

Awww no fair! I have, like, absolutely NO metabloism, I swear XP ... but I don't have any self-control either

[youtube:35ebs4s9]G7oGx2dImE8[/youtube:35ebs4s9]

... I know these are "music" videos, but they were so funny ...

[Rhei Lor'akris]

Well, there is always a downside, like always getting hungry when you least want to (during classes). *shrugs*

Wow, the first vid was something.