The Joke Thread

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Thalon Mercrow
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Post by Thalon Mercrow »

some forgoton relms jokes (warnig its long)

1. Fzoul and Manshoon are completely unaware everyone in the Zhents thinks they're lovers so don't tell them.
2. Icewind Dale is not to be referred as "The Great Latrine of the North"
3. Its important not to refer to Elves as "oversexed hippie vegetarians."
4. Most men CAN tell the difference between a male and female elf even during sex.
5. Gold Elves and Dwarves are not accepted as their weight in currency of the same name.
6. It is not acceptable to walk like an Egyptian in Mulhorand....everywhere.
7. When talking to Bane, it is not polite to cough "Banefog" every five seconds.
8. You are not allowed to name the Spelljammer the Enterprise.
9. It is wrong to have a running competition on whom bags all Seven Sisters.
10. It is worse to refer to it as "Gotta Catch Em all."
11. Drizzt Do'Urden is not a dice-o-matic and it is wrong to toss vegetables at him to use him as such.
12. Silverymoon is not to be referred to as "A nice place to pillage."
13. It is wrong to suggest to Khelban he should make a statue of Larael in the harbor with a crown, torch, and tablet.
14. Xvim's religion is not to be referred to as "Like Bane's except it sucked."
15. Shar's religion is not the religion of whiny emos and goth chicks.
16. Elminster does not say "The Day is Mine Trebek" every time he fights Manshoon.
17. The Red Wizards of Thay's latest plot for world domination cannot be summarized as "magical Walmart economics."
18. The proper response to Princess Tanalasta's whining is not a pimp slap.
19. Azoun is not your daddy....at least, probably not.
20. Mystra is not to be referred to as Lina Inverse's b**** older sister.
21. You are not allowed to drill for oil in Unther.
22. The Moonshae's religion is not to be referred to as "Wicca"
23. Ssass Tam is not to be referred to as "Skeletor"
24. All Scyllua Darkhope needs is not a good ****.
25. No, you can't have a moonblade.
26. No, REALLY.
27. You could be an ELF if you wanted one.
28. No, cutting off an elf's hand to use as a glove will NOT work.
29. No, you can't fling around an elf wielding the moonblade to use it!
30. You're a CN dwarf barbarian!
31. Rashemi are not wiccans either.
32. Chult was not created by harvesting the DNA of blood from mosquitos trapped in amber.
33. Gond is not the deity of Blow **** up.
34. It is wrong to ask Waukeen for sex as a reward in For Duty or Deity
35. She'd charge extra.
36. Can SOMEONE take a goddess other than Sharess?
37. Menzoberrazan is NOT the world's deadliest dungeon.
38. No, you do not get extra points if you 'clear it out.'
39. Talos is not your co-pilot.
40. Portals cannot be used to bring Kender into Forgotten Realms.
41. Nor can alchemy.
42. Or the Plane of Shadows.
43. The gods will instantly strike them dead.
44. It is wrong to go "Be Verrrry Quiet, were Hunting Drizzt."
45. It is wrong to refer to Holy Avengers as the "Master Sword."
46. Forgotten Realms is not filled with Spikey haired do-gooders.
47. Throwing water on the Simbul will not cause her to melt.
48. Auril is not afraid of Nobanion.
49. Or a prophecy about the Daughters of Eve and Sons of Adam.
50. She is not the White Queen.
51. The typical alignment in Toril is not "Lusty Good."
52. The Knights of Myth Drannor are not where your PCs go when they die.
53. Elminster is not the inspiration for every old guy whom gives cryptic advice.
54. Nor does he arranged horrible tragedies just so he can give said cryptic advice.
55. It is wrong to bet on whom would win in a cat fight, Eowyn or Allusair.
56. Tanalasta did not spend all of her years growing up getting kidnapped by evil wizards or dragons...
57. Just most of them.
58. Westgate is not worse than Lower East End New Jersey.
59. They're about equal.
60. Your Bhaalspawn is not allowed to kill every other Bhaalspawn he meets with a decapitation shot...
61. Nor do you say "There can be only One" before each occasion.
62. Nor can your Bhaalspawn PC be from the Highlands of the Moonshaes.
63. Chestnea is not Libya and I don't know why you keep trying to indicate it is.
64. Al-Quadim is an ironically named setting now but you can skip the obvious jokes.
65. It is wrong to sell infected blankets to Maztica.
66. Tyr does not keep a collection of Hot Valkyries to his faithful.
67. Ilmater's faithful are not into BS&M.
68. Torm is not to be referred to as "Dudley Do right."
69. You are not Arilyn Moonblade's father.
70. No it's NOT in dispute.
71. Neither is Danillo's parentage.
72. Yes, I'm aware both of their mothers got around.
73. Elaith Craulnobler was never your kid sidekick....
74. You did not patrol Waterdeep's wharfs as the Dark Knight.
75. Helm's alignment is not "Intolerant Jerk Good"
76. Deneir is not to be referred to as the "Geek Religion."
77. The Underdark does not need to be flooded with Poison Gas as Pest Control.
78. Calisham is not the place where Disney's Aladdin was filmed.
79. Elminster is not your father...at least most likely.
80. Karsus did not lose control of his spell because a kender appeared.
81. Gruumush will not be fooled by tricks from Odysseus' playbook even if he is a cyclops.
82. You did not cause the Time of Troubles.
83. A time of troubles game is not an excuse to go god-hunting.
84. Cyric is not the god of Chaotic Stupid.
85. The Crown of Horns is not to be recovered to put on your mantle.
86. Stop asking if Sylune's ghost can still have sex!
87. Don't ask me why there's so many pirates when there's only 3 major ports.
88. Amn is not to be called "The Land of Generic Fantasy"
89. Ditto Tethyr.
90. Fzoul does not have a 'pornstache'
91. The Harpers are not to be referred to as SHIELD
92. They're not that cool.
93. Do not offer Finder to knock off Oghma.
94. He'll take you up on that offer .
95. yes, Alias has been asked the chainmail bikini question before...
96. Song Dragons are not an excuse for hot man-on-dragon action.
97. ....despite all appearances.
98. Agarlarond is not the place to be known as "Where the Elves couldn't get enough of human sex."
99. You are not a Manshoon clone.
100. the solution to the Manshoon clone is not to clone a dozen Spidermen.
101. Shandril Sheshair is not Lina Inverse either.
101. Summon Succubus is not your favorite spell.
102. Clan Battlehammer's home is not to be referred to as the "lonely mountain."
103. Nor is Streams of Silver an entire rip off of the Hobbit.
104. It is wrong to release a giant ape to climb the highest tower in Waterdeep.
105. Fzoul did found the Black Network via pyramid scheme.
106. Change Self to Orlando Bloom is not permitted.
107. Arcane Archer is not to be referred to as the "Leogolas" class.
108. Dwarf tossing is not the national sport of Mithral Hall.
109. Or Evermeet.
110. Gnomes are not to be referred to as "like Dwarves except they suck."
111. I am forbidden from wearing T-shirts that say "Elminster could kick this settings ass by himself."
112. A twin scimitar drow is not so common as to make an effective disguise anywhere.
113. My wang is not +5
114. nor does it have the power of Striking.
115. or Dancing.
116. My wang is not magical.
117. It is wrong to tell the party that it is.
118. You as a bard are forbidden from using "influence reactions" to get women.
119. You cannot reply "What GOOD IS IT THEN!?"
120. Bard is not Celtic for Ninja.
121. Alustriel did not inspire the word "Lust."
122. It is wrong to try to 'comfort' Khelben's widow in her grief.
123. It is wrong to spread the rumor the followers of Helm intend to invade Al Quadim for oil.
124. Velsharoon is not to be referred to as "The God they didn't have the balls to make Ssass Tam."
125. Bane's symbol is not a Flaming Eye.
126. Pereghost is not to be compared unfavorably to Lord Soth.
127. I am not a Cleric of BlowShavitup
128. If I did, I couldn't grant spells.
129. I am not allowed to proclaim myself a deity.
130. Especially if it's just to tick the gods off.
131. Fireball is not a solution to everything.
132. A Helm of Opposite Alignment should not be kept to shove on good people that annoy you so that you can kill them without guilt.
133. In a duel of swords or pistols, you do not get to answer "I'll take the pistols. You take the swords."
134. Allusair is not to be referred to as "The warhorse everyone's ridden."
135. Artemis Entrie is not going to appreciate having his sword Soveriegn glued to his hands.
136. I do not have the Prestige class of "World's Greatest Lover"
137. Danillo Thann's Bard College is not going to be like Van Wilder or any other college movie.
138. It'll be much, much, much wilder.
139. Bard is not Tehyrian for BADASS.
140. The Shades will only fall for "OH MY GODS! THE ISLAND IS FALLING!" twice at best.
141. Everveska is not suing FEMA for improper disaster relief administration.
142. Frodo did not take his boat to Evermeet at the end of the Lord of Rings.
143. It is wrong to spread the rumors about Fzoul only getting involved with Bane because of the sex rites.
144. ....even if its true.
145. Still, you've got to wonder about a guy whom goes to BANE for sex rites.
146. A black coat, shades, and black pants are not the standard D&D fighter wear.
147. Moon Elves are not to be described as "oversexed vegetarian wussies"
148. Gold Elves are not to be referred as the "Mein Alf" brigade.
149. "I was drunk" is not an excuse for anything.
150. It is wrong to ask Westgate Manshoon if he's Ventrue or Tremere.
151. I will not plead mind control whenever I do something despicable.
152. "Go back to Greyhawk you pointy earred charcoal colored sow" is not a proper response to Lolth.
153. The Gold Elf philosophy is not "Everything but elvish stuff sucks"
154. Mask is not Vharaun and a dozen other gods.
155. Mirt the Moneylender tipping is not a "must do" everytime you go to Waterdeep.
156. You cannot offer Mirt a pound of flesh as collateral then get Portia as your lawyer.
157. It is wrong to insist Mirt convert to Tormism after the trial.
158. After the Time of Troubles adventure it is not polite to tell Ao said "So they get godhood and we get crap? I KNEW YOU WERE THE DM!"
159. Bloodstone is not the setting for A Song of Fire and Ice
160. Epic Level Commoner does not exist.
161. "The Prophecies of Alaundo said we'd do it", is not to be your excuse for everything.
162. Lamauril is not taking the Elves up to the North Pole to make Toys for an Evil Druid taskmaster.
163. Elistraea is not to be referred to as the "Goddess for Guys whom like making Drow Fan Art and Porn."
164. Talona is not a goddess you'd tap if she'd wear a veil.
165. All that's needed to wake up the Sleeping Princess of Evermeet is NOT the Triforce of Courage.
166. A Moonblade is not a Master Sword.
167. The three goddess of Hyrule are NOT Corellon's conorts.
168. GET OFF THE ZELDA KICK.
169. Elminster's daughter is not a common story in the Realms.
170. Mirt cannot be mugged by leaving a trail of chicken legs.
171. He knows the Hundred Hand Slap and is very dangerous.
172. Ilmater doesn't need a good plastic surgeon.
173. Elminster slapping you for being whiny is perfectly justified when you complain.
174. The Great Rift does not appreciate you tossing garbage down it.
175. The Drow religion doesn't need 'a good man to straight it out.'
176. The Kitchen is not where Drow matrons belong.
177. Sembia is not the land of "Pasta snorting poncy fops."
178. Monty Python jokes are inappropriate for the Realms.
179. Princess Bride references are fine.
180. ...Except the damn Father line!
181. The Wizard's Three is not canon for the Realms.
182. If it was, you couldn't use it to invade our world with dragons.
183. Henchmen are not 'trap detectors.'
184. Red Wizards will not fall for "SIMBUL ATTACK" being shouted to cause them to dive for cover more than twice.
185. Larloch doesn't want to hear about Gyco.
186. It is wrong to go to Shadowdale just to bug Elminster.
187. The Knights of Myth Drannor aren't elminster's henchmen.
188. Moonblades are not to be tossed in favor of Holy Avengers even if you are an elf paladin.
189. Moonblades are not to be used as a monster trap by leaving it with an expensive price tag and gems encrusted to get bad guys to pick it up and die.
190. It is wrong to offer King Obould to help sack Silvermoon because you hate hippies.
191. That's how Myth Drannor fell.
192. Not all Gold Elves are iredeemable bast***s
193. Just most of them.
195. It is wrong to rat out Velsharoon to Mysta.
196. Twice.
197. Killing Kelemvor to replace him with Myrkul because he's cooler is not a good act.
198. Ditto Cyric and Bhaal.
199. Bhaalspawn do not give off lightning when decapitated.
200. Do not remind King Tristan that his evil daughter was hot.
201. Remember, the Queen of the Moonshaes is the one Queen whom DOESN'T have sex with anything that moves.
:devil:
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Post by Vasriina Frerahel »

[color=olive:1cc63ka7]There was this priest who was at his deathbed. For his final wish he asked that [b:1cc63ka7]Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy[/b:1cc63ka7] come visit him.

So, the hospital called the two up and relayed the wish of this priest. And Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy caught the next plan there to go and carry out this dying man's wish.

On the way there, Bill and Ted wondered to themselves what could have compelled this Priest to have these two come visit him. They just shook it off, it was good publicity they didn't care.

Once they arrived there in the Priest's room. The Priest took each one of their hands. Then he closed his eyes, and there was a long moment of silence.

[b:1cc63ka7]Bill Clinton[/b:1cc63ka7] became too anxious and broke the silence and asked the Priest.

"Priest, why have you asked us to come visit you on your deathbed?"

The Priest says,

"My sons. I have lived my entire life by the word of Jesus and his Father, God. I have spread his teachings, practiced them, and helped the needy. And I think I did a good job!"

"AMEN." Bill and Ted exclaim. Then another silence.

[b:1cc63ka7]Ted Kennedy[/b:1cc63ka7] says finally.

"Yes, Priest, but why us?"

And the Priest says,

[b:1cc63ka7]"Jesus died next to two liars. I think I will too."[/b:1cc63ka7][/color:1cc63ka7]
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Shir'le E. Illios
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Post by Shir'le E. Illios »

[quote="Thalon Mercrow":3fyw2b5k]some forgoton relms jokes (warnig its long)

...(snipped)...[/quote:3fyw2b5k]
Very funny. Though, alas, I think pretty soon most of those jokes won't work anymore.

Except the Eilistraee one of course. ;)


Love -x-x-x-

Shir'le
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-= Shir'le E. Illios =-
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

It has long been contended that there are male Jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex Jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.




A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......



On one condition" Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....



"Clean my house."
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Shir'le E. Illios
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Post by Shir'le E. Illios »

ROFL :lol:


Ah, hard to find men like that these days. ;)


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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

Irish boys' confession:-

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Johnny Byrne?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Brown?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Anne O' Neil?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.

'You're very tight lipped Johnny, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an Altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months holiday and five good leads.'

:angel:
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Shir'le E. Illios
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Post by Shir'le E. Illios »

Funny. :)


Love -x-x-x-

Shir'le
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Post by Argoth »

Nice ones.
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.


Wittle Wabbit

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

:p
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

A big muscled man walks into the bar and after drinking a few beers he asks the barkeeper for a lemon. He holds the piece of fruit in his hand, makes a fist and squeezes the juice out.
Then he loudly says, "Anyone who can get more fluid out of this, gets a beer on me but those who try and cannot will buy me a beer."
There's plenty of contenders but not one of them can squeeze anything out of the lemon anymore.
So the man is happily drinking his extra beers when a skinny man steps up.
"You might as well order me a beer now", says the big man," some of those other guys were even larger than me."
The skinny man cracks a smile, picks up the lemon and squeezes out enough juice to fill half a glass.
So the big man passes him a beer and asks, "how the **** ? You must have some sort of special technique..."
-"Nothing special," says the skinny man while sipping his beer, "I work at the taxation department."
In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. Thewedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

:angel:
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Post by Talwyn Aureliano »

While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer.

.....

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

:p
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Post by Merinid Tlin'orzza »

A Chukcha and a Russian geologist go hunting polar bears. They track one down at last. Seeing the bear, the Chukcha shouts "Run!" and starts running away. The Russian shrugs, raises his gun and shoots the bear. "Russian hunter bad hunter, however", says the Chukcha, "Now you haul this bear ten miles to the yaranga yourself!"

A new Russian and an old man lay injured side-by-side in an emergency room:
— How did you get here, old fella?
— I had an old Zaporozhets car, and I set the war-trophy Messerschmitt jet engine on it. While driving on a highway, I saw a Ferrari ahead and tried to overtake it. The speed was too high and I crashed myself into a tree. And how did you get here?
— I was driving my Ferrari when I saw a Zaporozhets overtaking me. I concluded, that my car might be broken and that it was actually standing still. So I opened the door and walked out...
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Post by Unen_Stealthfoot »

[color=darkred:1qorvh28]These three guys die and go to the pearly gates. Saint Peter is there and he says, "Sorry guys, but heaven is kinda crowded right now, [(haha)] so, in order to get into heaven, you need to tell me an interesting story of how you died."

So, the first man says: "I was exercising on my balcony, when I tripped and fell off. I would have been fine, but just as I landed, I looked up and a huge refrigerator landed on me."

"Okaaaayyyyy..... that's interesting. A refrigerator? Welcome to Heaven."

The second guy says: "Well, I got home early from work to find my wife laying naked on our bed. Since she never does that, I figured she was cheating on me. I got angry and picked up the refrigerator and threw it out the window. Unfortunately, my foot somehow, inexplicably, got tangled up in the cord and dragged me after it."

"OOooookayyyy... Welcome to heaven.

The third guy says: "Well, I was lovin' this chic, ya know, when her hubby came home early. So I hid in the refrigerator."[/color:1qorvh28]
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Post by Argoth »

Ok. Now it's time for some stupid jokes of mine.

There was this guy who liked gambling. But as he never bet on dog races, he wanted to try something new. He was looking at all those fine racing dogs and didn't know which one to place his bet on. Suddenly, from among the fine hounds, a buldog comes out. The buldod comes up to the guy and says:
-Hey man, bet on me.
-WTF are you talking about? You're a bulldog!
-But I'm a talking bulldog. Does that ring a bell?
-Ok.
So the guy did place his bet on the bulldog.
The race is about to start. And they're off! Running neck and neck, the fine racing dogs go into the first curve, but there's no bulldog. The dogs are already at the last stretch (spelling?) but the bulldog is hardly moving towards the first curve. The man goest to the bulldog, almost jumps on the track himself and yells:
-Bulldog! WTF are you doing?
-Dunno dude!
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